By Nelson Schneider - 03/09/25 at 01:24 PM CT
It’s that time of year, again! The coming of March means that MeltedJoystick’s favorite non-Euclidian Elder Thing, Chris, is another year older and another year more madness-inducing. Last year, I opened Chris up to the wonderful world of Name, Image, Likeness Lawsuits that he could level at the Indie Games cottage industry.
This year, since I’ve spend an inordinate amount of time enjoying the Yu-Gi-Oh! Card Game, Duel Monsters, via the “Master Duel” mobile app, I’ve been exposed to tons of bizarre, Japanese monsters drawn from the imagination of the late, great Kazuki Takahashi… and let’s just say that Mr. Takahashi obviously had Chris on the Brain.
"Starting off this way seems a bit on the nose… but I couldn’t help myself."
"We know Chris’ internal world is an undead hellscape full of horrors, and Il Blud does a good job of representing that. He also looks like Chris wearing Beetlejuice’s pajamas."
"With his snub nose, vacant gaze, and bizarre, pulsating neck, Chris bears a resemblance to most creatures of the frog and toad variety. Imagine if you will, Chris trying to be sexy for a dating profile pic, yet failing miserably due to his inability to keep his fingers out of his nostrils."
"Chris used to LOVE drinking, and would get so deep into his cups that he literally turned into this thing sometime in his early 20s. 25 years later, the transformation is only starting to wear off."
"We’ve already established that Chris is almost definitely some sort of slime, ooze, or pudding. These guys not only capture Chris’ pale squishiness perfectly, but their card effect is pretty much exactly how he works too: They can’t be used for anything useful, and sending them to work for your enemies, where they can sow destruction, is the best idea for how to deal with them."
"Holy. Crap. Not only is this pale, ovoid creature a Zombie-type monster with “grump” in its name, its facial expression looks exactly like Chris when he gets in trouble. And of course, what better way to avoid the consequences of your actions than to flip yourself face-down and pretend the problem is gone."
"This obese, flightless bird is part of the long tradition of “penguin” monsters having interesting effects that remove cards from the field without technically destroying them. While Chris is typically much more in the destruction camp, it’s undeniable that this thing looks and acts exactly like him when he’s told to do something he doesn’t want to do… like run a proper Bunkers & Badasses game."
"Long cursed with the obnoxious 4Kids localization name, “Frog the Jam,” our pal Slime Toad regained his original identity due to the fact that the game now contains a significant number of cards revolving around both “frog” and “jam” monsters… and this guy is neither. Nope, he’s just a terrible Normal Monster with no effect, no supporting cards, and terrible stats (like Chris). But at least Normal Monsters get fun flavor text: “A slime with the head of a frog. It attacks by croaking terribly.” Yeah… that checks out!"
"What’s furry, looks vaguely like a pig, and is incredibly lazy? Why, it’s the legendary Number Card from “Yu-Gi-Oh! ZEXAL,” of course! Who did you think it was?"
"In order to be THE most Chris-like Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monster, you really need to nail every aspect of his existence. With Mokey Mokey, we’ve got it. Not only is he a Normal Monster with pathetic stats, his flavor text is even more amazing that Slime Toad’s: “An outcast angel. Nobody knows what he is thinking at all. Sometimes he gets mad and that is dreadful.” I mean, how much closer can you get to the genuine article?! Then we’ve got the artwork, featuring a pale, mostly-shapeless… thing, with a vacant expression. The cherry on top is the supporting cards for this half-assed deck archetype: Mokey Mokey Smackdown allows Chris to channel his inner rage to suddenly turn into a 3000 Attack powerhouse, while Mokey Mokey King is a Fusion of… three Chrises to create one much bigger Chris… that still has the same terrible stats and no useful abilities!"
