By Nelson Schneider - 03/27/22 at 02:51 PM CT
The most Foolish month of the year will soon be upon us, once again. Let’s see what the fools within the Corporate Games Industry want the fools they call consumers to buy now!
We’ve got shovel-ready trash, once again, coming in April, and from some unexpected corners. In the Licensed Swill category, there’s a HUGE, all-encompassing ‘LEGO Star Wars’ game coming from… Warner Brothers, NOT Disney, somehow. Also, “Record of Lodoss War: Deedlit in Wonder Labyrinth,” a – from all reports, shockingly good – Metroidvania based on an ancient anime is losing its PC exclusivity and coming to PlayStation 5 as well. We are mercifully spared any Annualized Releases in the shovelware category, but we are getting two 2 Cazul 2 Live games. One is a completely unnecessary port of a completely unnecessary sequel in the belabored ‘Five Nights at Freddy’s’ streamer-meme series. The other is Nintendo apparently trying to revive “WiiSports,”only under the less tongue-off-rolling title, “Nintendo Switch Sports.” And it will apparently come with a strap-on… No, really!
Have we got ports? Of course we’ve got ports! It’s the 21st Century, and we can’t keep our old stuff, but just have to rebuy it over and over to continue enjoying it, if that’s even allowed. As usual, the Nintendo Switch is the primary perpetrator AND victim of port shenanigans, with ports of “Tormented Souls,” “Skul: The Hero Slayer,” “13 Sentinels,” and a compilation of old-ass Taito Arcade games being inflicted upon it. The Switch is ALSO sharing ports of “The Falconeer,” “Epic Chef,” and “Lumote” with other unfortunate platforms. Meanwhile, the PlayStation 5 is getting a dedicated port of “Chernobylite,” which is already available for the PlayStation 4 and SHOULD be backward compatible, if Sony wasn’t such a trash company these days. Both Sony consoles will be getting “Martha is Dead” from the PC scene, while the PS4 and both Xboxen will be getting “Road 96.”
Alright! It’s finally time to move onto some new stuff! *rubs hands together* Let’s see what we’ve got in new multi-platform releases and exclusives… uhh… Chris, have you been slacking on game entry? I don’t see ANY actually-new, non-shovelware games coming out in April.
Well, I knew it was only a matter of time before it happened. April 2022 marks our first month of Backlog: The Embiggening where there aren’t just NO new games that I, in my infinite persnicketiness, actually want to buy or play, there are NO “NEW” games, period, just a bunch of ports being moved around by Industry players to make it look like something’s happening.
Backlog Embiggened: +Z3R0
