By Nelson Schneider - 06/25/16 at 04:44 PM CT
The 7th Generation saw the rise of many unfortunate trends in gaming – as well as the fall of nearly as many. One of the most enduring catastrophes of the 7th Generation was the sudden and unexpected surge in popularity among masochistic, H.A.R.D. games, with the movement led primarily by dogmatic fanatics from the Cult of From. These cultists, henceforth known as Souls Trolls, see to the inflation of their favorite series’ Metacritic scores through nefarious infiltration of nearly every gaming media outlet. With Souls Trolls as the only people who like their favorite series AND as the only people generally willing to review it, they promote a self-fulfilling prophecy of praise where absolutely none is deserved.
Unfortunately, Souls Trolls have infiltrated the media beyond the walls of light-weight gaming news sites like Polygon, Kotaku, and NeoGAF. Recently, it was revealed that one of their number had managed to creep his way into the respected halls of the Wall Street Journal. The article in question is typical Souls Trolls screed (you can either read the original by opening a Private Window in your browser, or read a version that has been run through Google Translate a few too many times), nailing such chestnuts of the dogma as “patience,” “persistence,” “observation,” and “well-crafted.” What’s new is that the writer is tackling the Cult’s mission from a business angle: Apparently people who “enjoy” terrible games like the ‘Souls’ series are also better at business – basically saying that everyone struggling to find a job in the modern era of Recession Economics just needs to ‘git gud.’
At first, this article threw me into a white-hot blind fury. I was incoherent and borderline catatonic for a good few hours (an experience I believe to be similar to what SJWs describe as ‘triggered’), before I calmed down and realized the author did indeed have a point.
No bones about it, the ‘Souls’ series sucks. But then again, so does job hunting in the current market. It’s actually very easy to draw direct parallels between these two activities. I’ll break it down into a number of easy steps.
1. Start Playing | Get an Education
Nobody really knows what they’re doing when they start playing a ‘Souls’ game for the first time, nor does anyone really know what they’re doing when they first go to college. Picking a build in ‘Souls’ is just as much blind guesswork as picking a major. And depending on the choice you made right at the outset, you could be completely screwed over and unable to make any progress. You could have picked a worthless build/major, or you could have picked a ‘good’ one that was recommended by an outside source that just turns out to be completely incompatible with your personal style. Either way, the fun has ended.
2. Struggle to Gather Souls | Struggle to Gain Experience
Nobody can expect to get hired into any worthwhile job without an assload of experience nowadays. Typical entry level positions unintuitively expect years of experience doing that exact job, despite the fact that the people who most need/want these positions are fresh graduates with NO experience. ‘Souls’ games pit players against overwhelming enemies that can one-shot them, and expects them to gather the titular souls, which serve as the series’ upgrade currency, by defeating these enemies. In both situations, the struggle to make progress is long, arduous, repetitive, not fun, and can be reset back to nothing by an unfortunate surprise deathtrap/layoff.
3. Confront the Boss
Whether it’s an evil eldritch monstrosity or a videogame character, both job hunters and ‘Souls’ players eventually need to confront an enemy Boss in order to make any meaningful progress. In rare situations, usually involving nepotism or promiscuity, a Boss at a job can be persuaded to relinquish a promotion, just like a Boss in a ‘Souls’ game can be defeated via a perfectly memorized series of perfectly executed maneuvers. Of course, the most likely result of confronting a Boss and asking for a promotion is death, either being killed in-game or getting laid-off/fired. Either way, the poor bastard on the receiving end of the Boss’ hostility can look forward to a lot of tedious retreading of old ground, as they get sent back to the beginning of the stage or manage to get a toe in with a new entry level position at a different business.
4. Do It All Again
So you’ve managed to defeat a Boss? Got that promotion? Well, great, now you’re one rung above entry level. There are still many more Bosses interspersed with interminable periods of tedium waiting for you on the road to your ultimate goal of defeating the Final Boss. And never forget that, at any moment, you could get screwed over and sent back to the start with very little to show for it.
So, congratulations to Mr. Chris Suellentrop, who has successfully recognized and acknowledged that the world of business is Hellish, cruel, and completely unbalanced, just like a ‘Souls’ game. Yet this guy wants to expose his young daughters to a similar form of torment earlier than absolutely necessary, by allowing them to play “well-crafted” ‘Souls’ games. On one hand, this sounds like child abuse. On the other hand, letting our youth know ahead of time that the job market doesn’t actually want them, but will only grudgingly accept them after a very thorough beating, might actually be doing them a service. At least, however, the author of this article realizes that, in many cases, the best thing to do with a ‘Souls’ game is to stop playing. Maybe he’s not a Souls Troll after all…
