By Nelson Schneider - 12/26/11 at 02:29 PM CT
Happy Yule, merry Christmas, and happy Hanukkah. At this time of year, the Bible is at the forefront of the thoughts of billions of people around the world. Many of these religious adherents in the civilized world are also gamers. Yet what games are available that cater to the Abrahamic tradition? Not many. Indeed, the world of Christian video games is laughable, still dominated primarily by Wisdom Tree, a developer (in the loosest possible sense of the term) that hasn’t been particularly active since the NES.
It is quite difficult, however, for religion and gaming successfully join forces, especially when certain facets of the former consider the latter to be entirely demonic. At the same time that some Evangelical groups dismiss gaming outright, other individuals endeavor to create games that are “wholesome fun” by sanitizing them for the protection of the youth. But this mentality is completely hypocritical, as the Bible itself is not sanitized! Instead of offering gamers content equivalent to “Veggie Tales” in terms of simplistic morality and a childish understanding of the mysteries of faith, developers could accurately draw content from both the Old Testament and New Testament, as well as peripheral works, such as the writings of Flavius Josephus, to create an accurate representation of the Biblical world, warts and all. The only game in recent memory to attempt such a feat is “Dante’s Inferno,” a non-religious game (thus not making the ‘official’ list of Christian games) that adapted the source material so heavily that any resemblance to the 14th century epic completely evaporated.
Thus we are left with Wisdom Tree, a company that lives on, despite the fact that its games have become curious antiquities themselves. Yes, the company born of the ashes of Color Dreams, the first ‘developer’ to hack around Nintendo’s original lock-out chip, and the company that provided us with NES games so unplayable that we loved the Nintendo Seal of Quality all the more. In the spirit of generosity, Wisdom Tree has made 7 of its most beloved NES games available to play for free on their website. Wisdom Tree, in its wisdom, has inadvertently set precedents for morality with regard to gaming that I can whole-heartedly endorse: 1) Hacking and circumventing protections are okay. 2) NES games should be given away for free.
So, in emulation of the Three Magi who brought gifts to Jesus, I am giving you, dear readers, three gifts from the Tree of Wisdom. However, in this case, the gifts are less like Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh, and more like Coal, Frankenstein, and Murder: Yes, they are the Holy Trinity of Bad (but still barely playable) Games.
1. “King of Kings”
This game bears the closest resemblance to the Christmas Story, featuring three games on one cartridge. Each section, ‘The Wise Men,’ ‘Flight to Egypt,’ and ‘Jesus and the Temple,’ plays out as a 2D platformer with controls so slippery and platforms so precarious that they would make angels weep blood. Combined this tooth-gnashing gameplay with a soundtrack that consists of about 4 measures of three vaguely-religious pieces of music, and the result is a game that can cause insanity faster than Cthulu.
2. “Bible Adventures”
Another three-in-one (I see what you did there!) disaster, this time featuring the Old Testament. Choosing between ‘Noah’s Ark,’ ‘Baby Moses,’ and ‘David and Goliath’ provides three entirely-different experiences of picking things up and flinging them around, "Super Mario 2 USA"-style. The controls are still abominable and the soundtrack is still grating. Why hast thou forsaken us!? (It probably is still more fun than a dreidel...)
3. “Spiritual Warfare”
I’m not really sure what’s going on in this game, but it appears to be based upon the Book of Revelation, in which the modern world is filled with sinners packing knives or playing basketball (Hey, we at least agree that sports are evil!). In order to save these poor souls, our hero must pelt them with holy fruit (that comes in several tasty varieties), at which point they instantly don monks’ habits, fall to their knees in prayer, and vanish, leaving behind quantities of Holy Spirit. The game is essentially a “Zelda” clone with, you guessed it, horrible controls and a grating soundtrack!
What all three of these wondrous games have in common is the random Bible ‘trivia’ that peppers them. There is usually no significant reward or punishment for the player’s performance in answering these questions, and the questions themselves are simplistic enough to appear in Church nursery school classes. At least they are good for a laugh.
Comments
Nelson Schneider - wrote on 12/28/11 at 01:56 PM CT
I actually had forgotten about El Shaddai. But it's an interesting game to bring up, as it was developed by the Japanese, who are by-and-large not worshippers in the Abrahamic tradition. I find it interesting how the Japanese are able to interpret this mythology, free of the baggage and mandatory dumbing-down that Westerners typically apply to anything Biblical. El Shaddai looks extremely weird, but it follows in the grand tradition of the anime, "Neon Genesis Evangelion," which interpreted Revelation in an unprecedented way and was awesome because of it.
Chris Kavan - wrote on 12/27/11 at 07:48 PM CT
Don't forget the recent El Shaddai: Ascension of the Metatron - that totally has some fallen angels and God-fearing kick-assery going on. But apparently it's just a pretty average game with above average visuals.
